attachment styles

Lots of students have heard me talk about attachment styles, and at tea someone asked me if there might be a straightforward way to figure out what attachment style you have. I immediately thought of this table I wrote created for a book about relationships.

 

You can get a general sense of your attachment style by seeing which of the following sentiments best matches your experience. It’s normal to have some matches in all categories. If you find that one group best describes you, that indicates that that might be your attachment style. And yes, attachment style can be changed through counseling!

Hope it helps!

 

Secure Attachment

Anxious Attachment

Avoidant Attachment

I feel confident that my partner loves me as much as I love them

It’s easy for me to be affectionate with my partner.

I feel comfortable when my partner wants to be close.

I feel comfortable depending on my partner in a time of need.

I’m grateful when I receive support from others.

I know that my partner will be there for me when I need them.

I feel comfortable when my partner reveals their emotions to me.

I feel comfortable being open with my partner.

When my partner asks for space, I can pull back and give them the distance they need.

I love my partner unconditionally, but I trust them because they’ve shown me they deserve it.

Sometimes I fear that my partner doesn’t love me as much as I love themI find I’m usually more affectionate than my partner is.

I often wish my partner wanted more closeness with me.

I definitely depend on my partner in a time of need.

I rely on support from others; I’m sure I couldn’t handle things on my own.

I fear that my partner might abandon me.

If my partner does not reveal their emotions to me, I fear they may be hiding something.

I often feel that my partner does not want to be as close as I would like them to be.

When my partner asks for space, I have a hard time pulling back.

My friends tell me I accept too much, forgive too easily, and make my partner more important than myself.

Sometimes I worry that my partner loves me too much.

It’s often difficult for me to be affectionate with my partner.

I feel uncomfortable when my partner wants to be close.

I feel uncomfortable depending on my partner to meet my needs.

I have a hard time accepting support from others.

I would leave my partner before they left me.

I feel uncomfortable when my partner reveals their emotions to me.

I find it difficult to open up to my partner; I often keep secrets.

I need a lot more space than my partner does. Sometimes it seems I can’t get enough distance.

I don’t forgive easily. If someone messes up once, that’s it.

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